1. Bondage to spiritual faith
2. Spiritual faith to great courage
3. Great courage to liberty
4. Liberty to abundance
5. Abundance to selfishness
6. Selfishness to complacency
7. Complacency to apathy
8. Apathy to dependence
9. Dependence to bondage

     The question is, what stage do you think the United States is in today? A little scary to think about, isn’t it?

      Now, that is just downright depressing. I guess when I am reincarnated for my next go around, I should hope to come back as a trout living below the treatment plant.

     What was really depressing is that three pastry ‘chefs’ were competing by making three kinds of cupcakes to be sampled by the obligatory ‘panel of judges’ — obviously people who can’t keep a real job. What caught my attention was when one of the chefs was describing one of the cupcakes he was going to make (and did)  — cupcakes made with the added ingredients of — wait for it —- sauerkraut and beer!

     I figured the first time he said it was a joke. When he repeated the ingredients and started pulling the sauerkraut out of the jar and mixing it into the batter, I knew that this Chef had been sampling a little too much of the cooking sherry (or perhaps the beer — no, that went into the batter, too. Oh, well.)

      Yep, cupcakes, iced no less, made with sauerkraut and beer. (As if that wasn’t enough, in one of his other cupcakes he used tomato soup.) Can you imagine?  He should have added some nuts, too, cause he obviously has enough in his head to make a full-sized fruitcake!

      Can you imagine some poor kid at his/her birthday party? Mommy had this famous chef make cupcakes especially for her little ‘cupcake’. All fancy and iced. Pretty decorations on them. And then, the poor little tike takes a bite.

       This is where we get that famous phrase — “Gag me with a stick!” Actually, a stick would be a much better choice. And, oh, the embarrassment for the little birthday child. All his/her friends seated around the table as he/she proceeds to puke all over the presents. And then, the little person makes the further mistake of grabbing a different cupcake to try to get rid of the bad taste of the first one, only to find that the second taste like Campbell’s soup.

       I hope this isn’t a trend in the evolution of the cupcake. I shudder to think of a child in 2020 pleading, “Oh, please, please, please Mommy? Can we get the turnip and horseradish cupcakes this year? Susie’s Mom got them for her party and I’ll just be a laughing stock if I don’t have them at mine!”

        Guess that just proves that the world drives one to drink no matter when one lives. In fact, times may have been a lot tougher back in 4000 B.C.  Back then, one had to deal with stresses like where to locate the garbage dump (NIMC – not in my cave), the annual mastodon migrations (no, I will not clean up after the elephants parade by), global warming caused by methane pollution (what is that smell after the elephants parade by?), and population overcrowding (No, your mother may not move in with us! This cave isn’t big enough for both of us!)

       So, even cavemen (and women) were driven to drown their sorrows and troubles in the elixir of wine. Of course, the wine making process was a little different back then. Since the average life span of a caveperson was probably around 25 years, it made it difficult to let a nice bordeaux age for 50 years before popping the cork. In fact, based on the scribbles on the clay pots found by the archaeologists, it appears that vintages were labeled based on months.

      This time factor also seems to relate to the ratings the wines were given by the wine experts of the day. As best as the scientists can determine, the wines were ranked primarily based on age, with a ‘five-moon’ wine ranking higher than a ‘one-moon’ wine.

      Well, anyway, it appears that the final problem that the ancient vintner faced was choosing the proper wine to go with a meal. Does anyone know whether we should serve white wine or red wine with Giant Sloth?

 “I only do what my Rice Krispies tell me to.”

Interesting. Upon further reflection, I began to wonder whether there might be some truth to this statement. Even more importantly, a horrifying question came to mind: 

 ”Did the government embed subliminal messages in Rice Krispies to control the public’s mind?”

 Ridiculous, you respond? Maybe not, Grasshopper. Let’s look at the evidence that might support such a devious plan.

 According to Wikipedia entries, Rice Krispies were supposedly invented in the 1920′s or 1930′s. Right there is proof the government was probably involved — no big splash of marketing or public announcement. Just a slow, invasion into the public palate.

Assuming that it took a few years to work out the ‘bugs’ in the Rice Krispies delivery system (not to mention the real bugs in the cereal), this devious plan would have been ready just in time to influence the biggest group of future consumers (and voters) the U.S. has ever seen — the Baby Boomer generation.

Starting around 1950, 80 million or so little boomers started watching the ultimate brainwashing machine — television. What better place to advertise a product that could then make these little people into what they are today — blind, obedient consumers.

 Yes, with every bowlful, the message was repeated — Snap, Crackle, Pop! Of course, the subliminal message that was being delivered was much more simple and direct — Buy! Buy! Buy! And thus was created an entire generation of consumers whose primary mantra is — spend ’til you drop.

 It wouldn’t be so bad if this were the only brainwashing of the public by the government. But, of course, Rice Krispies was only one in a long line of products and methods created to gain control of a susceptible populace. Three other major products in the mix are soda pop, Big Macs, and now, cell phones.

 Did you know that in the early days of Coca Cola, a primary (and addictive) ingredient was Cocaine? In the early days, Coca-Cola contained an estimated nine milligrams of cocaine per glass. Wow! Feeling good. Bring me another bottle. The cocaine was supposedly removed from the recipe in the early 1900′s but, whose to know for sure. The recipe for Coca Cola is more closely guarded than Fort Knox — which, for you conspiracy buffs, also just happens to be another government operation.

 As time moved on and the economy and population grew, Big Macs were added to the mix. Any politician knows that the best electorate is one which is fat, dumb and happy. If you took all the Big Macs that have been sold and lined them up, they would create a line of fat people to Saturn and back.

Of course, there was one problem with those early products that the government needed to overcome. It was not enough to get the populace to use the products. The government also needed to know where all those people were so as to continue influencing them in mass over wide areas.

 Thus was born the cell phone. Now, the government can embed its subliminal messages in billions of daily phone conversations and, through the GPS units hidden in the phones, keep track of exactly where each one of those 310 million consumers in the U.S. is at any moment in time.

Scary, huh? And to think it all started with just a simple Snap, Crackle and Pop.

    Yes, whereas in 1995 a sheet of toilet paper measured approximately 4.5 inches by 4.5 inches, recent changes have brought the size down to about 4.1 inches by 3.7 inches. For those of you who may be math-challenged, that is about a 25% reduction in size while the price remained the same.

    If this trend continues, and with obesity in the U.S. reaching epic proportions (pun intended), pretty soon we may find ourselves with a real problem. Yep. — No if”s, and’s, or but’s about it.

    But, at least this story may have a poignant ending — future generations will look back on us and say that, in hindsight, we deserved to be the butt of a lot of jokes, and that maybe we shouldn’t have just turned the other cheek to this asinine trend.

    We come into this world bald, toothless, and reliant on someone else to change our diapers. If we are lucky enough to live a long life, we are likely to leave the world the same way. So, don’t take life or yourself to seriously because, no matter how smart or successful or famous you may be during life, someone else will ungloriously be tending to your end, at your end.

       Of course, based on the percentage of obese people and overweight people in the U.S., it would appear that what we really need is “Glutton-free” foods. Unfortunately, that would cause the unemployment rate to go from its current level of 18-20% (surely you don’t believe that stupid number that the government puts out that is currently reported as 9.3%) up to maybe 25% unemployment. This would occur because virtually every fat food restaurant (oh, sorry, I meant to say ‘fast food’) would go bankrupt if they didn’t offer the normal menu of over-sized, high-calorie mega-meals.

       I readily admit that trying to change the eating habits of the U.S. public will be a big fight. But, one thing is for sure — the battle won’t be over —  until the fat lady sings.

    Somehow, this doesn’t strike me as a very good use of a student’s time considering the average high school graduate can’t read at an eighth-grade level. I mean, really, what are the probabilities that a UFO is going to crash in a schoolyard? Oh, sorry. Answering that question would involve doing some math — one of the other three R’s that aren’t being taught nowadays.

     Personally, if a UFO does crash, I hope it hits a building somewhere that is full of politicians.

   Anyway, if conducting UFO drills is a reasonable thing to do, shouldn’t we also conduct drills for other possible emergencies? I think we should have drills to deal with the following potential disasters, too.

• What to do if your cell phone starts picking up phone calls from ET.
• What to do if a crazed gorilla parachutes in during your backyard barbecue.
• What to do if your mother-in-law parachutes in during your backyard barbecue. (Oh, sorry. I repeated myself)
• What to do if you call a company and a real, live person answers the phone.
• What to do if a politician is caught telling the truth.
• What to do if a person in a shopping mall parking lot actually stops his/her car at a stop sign.
• What to do if a doctor sees you at the actual designated time of your scheduled appointment.
• What to do when a contestant on a talent show actually sings on key.
• What to do with the leftover pizza you left in the backseat of your car all night. (Is it or is it not still safe to eat?)

       And of course, the final potential disaster that we should run drills in school for is — instructions on what to do if a meteor is about to strike:

1. Bend over;
2. Put your head between your knees;
3. Kiss your ass goodbye.

     Oh, sorry, I gotta go. There is a little green man at the door and he probably needs to use my phone to call home.

      The question this raises is, are all those fancy and super-expensive body and luggage scanners at airports programmed to detect reptilian high-jackers? Would some alligator shoes set off the sensors? What about cayman, and lizards, and snakes?

     And is this terrorist infestation limited to just one animal group? What about mammals, or bacteria, or fish? I fear that the government will now spend billions more on security equipment in another ludicrous attempt to thwart terrorists of the animal kind.

     Of course, we already know this system won’t work. How do we know that? Because none of the present systems detect politicians trying to board airplanes, and they have to be some of the biggest threats around.

    By the way, do you know the difference between a catfish and a politician?  One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucker;   ———   the other is a fish.